Hello Internet!
Real talk now. The holiday season is a hard one for me. It is every year and some years are definitely harder than others. So today I'm going to share my own personal struggles with the holidays along with how I get myself in the Christmas spirit. **Trigger warnings: mental health issues, human death, and animal death**
First of all, I suffer from both depression and anxiety. I have since I was a kid and while my depression has gotten better as an adult, my anxiety has gone through the roof, especially after having my son last year. The holidays exacerbate both of these issues. There is so much pressure associated with the holiday season that triggers both of these things. I see a counselor once or twice a month to talk through this. I know that the talk therapy thing doesn't work for everyone but it works pretty well for me without medication.
Second and probably the most hampering to my holiday spirit every year is the fact that on this day (December 9) in 2013 my grandmother died which set off what I regard as being the worst single week I've ever had in my life. 2013 was a hard year for me, even without my grandmother's death. That year we were living with my grandparents. My parents had lost their house due to the housing crisis so we moved in with them temporarily Temporary turned semi-permanent when we realized how poor my grandmother's health condition was. I primarily took care of her and I took the brunt of the verbal abuse from my grandfather. Starting that fall my grandmother was in and out of the hospital and a skilled nursing facility due to a combination of things, mostly hinging on her longtime diabetes. We had our normal family Thanksgiving dinner before taking a plate to grandma in the hospital. She bounced in between the hospital and a skilled nursing facility in the last week of November and the first days of December but she never came home again. The weekend before she died my parents and grandfather went on a weekend vacation to give themselves some time off. While they were gone my younger brother and I got a Christmas tree and decorated the house.
So we got everything all decorated for Christmas and when we went to visit grandma in the hospital I showed her pictures. She loved them.
Later that week she was gone. My brother took our grandfather to the skilled nursing facility she was in and they walked in on the nursing staff trying to revive her. My dad was called and he told me. The next week is a blur. We had people in and out of the house until the funeral. I remember eating more roast beef than I ever have in my life (something about a roast with potatoes and carrots and gravy scream grief meals to a lot a people apparently). I don't remember much about the funeral. I remember hanging out outside until they closed the casket because I didn't want to see her like that. I remember slipping in the mud in my heels on the way up the gravel path to her gravesite for the internment. I remember not really breaking down until I realized my best friend and her boyfriend had shown up without my even telling them about it.
As if my grandmother dying that year wasn't enough. That was also the year I lost my beloved cat, Bubba. On Thanksgiving Day he got out of the garage door and disappeared for a week. He hadn't been in the best of health for a while and he was old. When he came back he was bedraggled and looked like he'd been staying under the house in the crawlspace. We brought him and tried to warm him with no success. Then that weekend when it was just me and my brother he had a seizure and never really came out of it. I made an appointment with the vet to have him put down. The day we were supposed to take him in was the day my grandmother died so we rescheduled it for later in the week. So in the same week I lost both my grandmother and my cat, plus it was finals week for my online college courses and like an idiot I didn't ask for an extension or anything I just took my online exams anyway. So that was my worst week ever and by the time my grandmother was buried there was two weeks until Christmas. Every year since then, and it's been seven years is really hard, starting with Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving was her favorite holiday and then to lose her between the two just puts a damper on all holiday spirits I have ever year.
So after that I muddled through. We had some issues with my grandfather that have culminated in my not speaking to him, something I haven't done since 2016. Then in 2016 I graduated from college with an associates degree in paralegal studies (which I don't use) and for my graduation my parents got me a puppy. I picked out a little female long-haired chihuahua mix from a rescue (our vet thinks she's mixed chihuahua and pomeranian but we're not sure).
This is of course this blog's namesake, Emma. We had a lot of firsts together that fall and then she jumped down from where my brother had been holding her and she broke her leg. I had to make multiple trips back and forth from my house to the vet affiliated with the rescue: to set her leg and get her fixed along with all the associated appointments (it was a lot of icy trips to Portland that winter).
Then as we got on towards Christmas the vet had kept her to sedate her to get good xrays of her leg and they found it wasn't healing right, there was an infection in the bone and they needed to amputate. I gave them permission and then cried on the phone to my mom in the middle of a Walmart where I was looking for some of those little tiny Christmas houses for her. Anyway, long story short Emma was and is fine. She doesn't notice the missing leg and she's still my little bug.
So anyway you slice it the holidays are hard for me but they don't have to be as hard as I make them. Even on the worst years (and let's be real here, 2020 has been pretty bad) I can find ways to find some Christmas spirit.
First thing I do is concentrate on Christmas gifts for other people. I am OBSESSED with finding the perfect Christmas presents for everyone in my life (which is probably not great for my anxiety but whatever). I knit some of the Christmas gifts and buy others and I take great pride in getting things that others will love. It helps make me excited for the season and for Christmas Eve/Christmas Day when I get to see people open them.
Next I love festive videos on YouTube. Most are cozy fireplace kind of scenes but some have music. I'm picking a current favorite videos but most of these it's any of the videos on their channels.
Calmed by Nature this particular video is a current favorite but there's a nature, cozy video for backgrounds for any occasion.
Ambiance of Yesteryear all of these are old-fashioned environments that I love to put on in the background while I read or relax. The naturalist's library/study is one of my favorites, it's bright and airy and has just enough interest in it.
So yeah, any kind of ambiance video on YouTube can help put me in a good mood and ready for cozy, Christmas vibes.
Cozy, Christmas foods and beverages. To put myself in a cozy, Christmas mood food adn drinks have a lot to do with it. Hot apple cider, especially the alpine brand that you get in packets. We always went to the same U-Cut lot when I was a kid and they always had a shed with complimentary cider and candy canes so we'd get drinks and a candy cane and we'd stand by the bonfire outside (pine/fir bonfires smell the best). The taste of hot cider always is associated with Christmas tree shopping and Christmas in general.
There's also hot chocolate. In my book it always has to be Swiss Miss with Jet-Puffed mini marshmallows.
Hot chocolate may or may not have peppermint schnapps added to it and every house I've lived in has always had a bottle somewhere.
I'm also a huge tea drinker and my absolute favorite Christmas teas are the Downton Christmas Tea by Tea Republic and the Christmas Trio also from Tea Republic.
As for snacks I'm a big fan of candy canes (peppermint ones), Little Debbie Christmas Tree Cakes (the vanilla ones), and candy cane Hershey Kisses.
I also do a lot of baking during the Christmas season. My other grandma makes sugar cookies with sprinkles (my 9-year-old nephew helps now) and snickerdoodles. Those are always huge hits at Christmas along with just general baking: pies, brownies, muffins, cookies. I'll do more of a Christmas baking blog at some time later.
I love
Darling Desi on YouTube. She has many videos about celebrating seasons and the perfect things to do for a perfect cozy fall or winter day. Her latest video was
How to Have the Perfect Winter Day and its' lovely for that Christmas mood. Her videos make me feel warm and cozy. Also I think she looks like Anne from Anne of Green Gables.
I also like curling up on the couch with cozy documentaries, especially books/videos by Dr. Lucy Worsley like her
12 Days of Tudor Christmas video and any of her books. She's the epitome of cozy winter coziness.
I also love Christmas Tree hunting and decorating and spending time with friends/family. At the beginning of November we did a Friendsgiving with our friends (before COVID cases spiked and things shut down again) and even that simple meal helped get me in the holiday spirit.
Finally there's the Christmas tree hunting and decorating. This year my son is over a year old and he had a blast in the snow while we picked one out. Now if I could just get the little monster to quit throwing things at the tree that'd be swell.
And that's the way I get myself in a Christmas mood even if I don't feel that way and even if it's hard. Because the one thing that makes Christmas the best is the family and friends you spend it with. So from my family to yours, have a nice cozy holiday season.
Hope your holidays are happy and bright but don't worry if they aren't. The holidays can be a difficult time for everyone, including me.
Yours,
Richelle
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